Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Humans Can Learn From Cats

Humans are always complaining about their weight. What idiots. Ever hear of a cat complaining about its weight? Mellow out, people.

However, in keeping with our feline tolerance of those beings who serve us well (tolerated as long as they are performing required duties), here is a diet program for humans concerned over such trivialities. Got it from this site.

The easiest way for any human to lose weight

is to follow the simple 'Cat Diet' plan:

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the £1.50 per can -- and place 1/4 can on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one vole's tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die somewhere.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half for your partner to find where they least expect it. Throw out the remaining gourmet food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken bite from behind the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Be sure to eat enough of the newspaper to see you through until lunch.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over onto the most expensive looking floor covering you can find.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the bin. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

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4 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

Oddly enough, Bonnie is getting fat on this diet.

Rufus brought in a mouse yesterday but luckily it was dead. I was surprisingly upset by it.

Bevie said...

Cats are amazing. There must be a lot of nourishment in bugs.

I suppose the mouse thing is kind of like scraping someone else's plate. It's kind of disgusting.

Lisa said...

Some kitties DO need to watch what they eat.
My Scarlett (avatar photo) has the nickname: Cushy, Seal Cat (Husband makes fun of her and he says 'ar ar ar', and Two Tara (because Tara is so tiny that Scarlett equals 2 of her).
She's fed the same as the other babies but I guess she has a slower metabolism, not to mention, she's quick to run to the food bowl and slow to play with her toys.

Often lays on her back and bats at them.

Bevie said...

I suppose different cats do have different metabolisms. Good point.

Music to Make the Cats go Wild

Just a love song.

Musical Cats



Our Theme Song

Kitten of the Month - August

Kitten of the Month - August
Tara
Tara - Nick name 'ity-bit' because she's so tiny - just over 6 pounds. She's the most skittish of all my babies and even when being petted has the 'pet me, no don't pet me' look

Kitten of the Month - July

Kitten of the Month - July
Amelia
Amelia - Nickname 'Bratelia' since she gets into every draw, cabinet that she can put her paws in.
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Kitten of the Month - June

Kitten of the Month - June
Sethra

“She’s got tuna. I know she’s got tuna.”

“Shut up, Sethra. Stay on mission.”

“What’s the mission? I thought the mission was to get tuna.”

“No, you stupid fluffbrain—it’s to escape and become outdoor cats, walking by ourselves, on our wild lone, waving our tails.”

“Oh, yeah? And isn’t it you, my dear stripy sister Aliera, who keeps pushing the FEED button on the printer and waiting for tuna to come out?”

“That was when I was much younger. Anyway, she’s at the computer—yes, eating tuna casserole—so we can go into the bedroom and see if we can knock the window screen out.”
“You do it, Aliera. I’d rather mess with her stuff.”

“Will you GET OVER that fixation on her wristwatch?”

“I like the feel of the Velcro on my paws. Hey! That reminds me. We’ve been declawed. How are we going to survive as outdoor cats?”

“New plan coming up….”

“What’s the big deal about being outside cats? Even StalkerCat, who used to hang around and chat us up, is a house cat now and loving it. We’ve got it made—food, petting, toys, valet service for the litter box, and we get to sleep on her bed twenty hours a day. And we can stick our noses up to the window and smell anything interesting going on outside. Why ruin a perfect situation?”

“Sethra, have you no sense of adventure? No curiosity? No cattitude? We were meant to live wild and free, to stalk and slay our prey, to be mistresses of the night!”

“Look, we’re cats. We were meant to rule the world, but that doesn’t mean we have to WORK at it. You can if you want, but I don’t need to. After all, I’M beautiful!

“Did I mention she’s got tuna?”

Kitten of the Month: May

Kitten of the Month: May
Caitlin
Kitten Close-Up.

Kitten of the Month: April

Kitten of the Month: April
Mikey
At 8, you'd think Mikey would understand that he's a carnivore. But, no, he's rather fond of the shrubbery! At 20+ pounds, the veggie-enhanced diet is likely mitigated by a love for long naps on a warm comforter, wet cat food, begging at the table, and a nice lap to drape himself upon in the evening. And he drools when he's happy, which may or may not mean there's a Siamese ancestor lurking in the old dna.

What? Green teeth attract mice!

Kitten of the Month: March

Kitten of the Month: March
Geoff
Who needs a wickerwork basket when you can hop on a cushion and bask?

Kitten of the Month: February

Kitten of the Month: February
Rufus
Rufus is clearly a cat to be reckoned with.
.

Kitten of the Month: January

Kitten of the Month: January
Firestar
Firestar is a tough cat. He has to be, living in Minnesota. He takes care of his family: wife, husband and their son. This was recently proven by his daring capture of yet another mouse in the house. Foolish rodents. They never learn. When not engaged in derring do, Firestar naps, looks out the window and sleeps. Firestar was born in April of 2006.
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